latest in banned substance news tom

The Latest in Banned Substance News: Tom Brady

Here's the story, of a scrub named Brady, who took some pills and

magically got good. He met a woman, we'll call her "Steroids," and

they pulled a fast one right before our eyes. He was barely, even

drafted. Now he's telling me that Visa cards are good. So it's time

now, to pull the plugs out, and show the world he's not our golden

son.

Does that tune sound familiar at all to you? Probably not because

you've most likely been brainwashed by the hype and hoopla surrounding

perhaps the third most overrated quarterback in NFL history (behind

two guys named Montana and Vick respectively - and Vick may be trying

to move his way off that list after his last 2 weeks, but I'll remain

skeptical for now). We hear all about how humble he is, how hard he

works, and how he came from no where. He was taken 199th overall in

the 2000 NFL draft. He has no great receivers. He is a team leader

with heart to spare and three Super Bowl rings. Blah...blah...blah. I

have heard enough and the truth must be told.

Ladies and gentleman, it's time to reveal to you the real story of Tom

Brady. Yes, that handsome young man who plays QB for the New England

Patriots. We all know who he is. We see his mug all over the place.

Does anyone else notice that he can't get that eye black off from

under his eyes? Hey Tom, you're playing in a dome, at night. Why do

you need eye black? We should send him a manual explaining how to use

the shower. I also know a great skin doctor if that whole shower thing

doesn't work out.

Enough about his looks now though, because it's his game and his rep

I'm here to revoke. Did you know that when Tom Brady was a freshman at

Michigan, he was listed as 6' 4'' and 215lbs? By the time he

graduated, he had sprouted to 6' 5'' and was down to a slim 213lbs.

That's just where it starts to get fishy. Brady is now back up to 6'

4'' and a whopping 225lbs! Hello? How do you not notice a guy

shrinking an inch while putting on 12lbs? There's some shady business

going on here that we can't explain and my guess is that he

was/is/recreationally using steroids. Shrinking is not really a common

problem for men between the ages of 22 and 29. Not to mention the fact

that Brady was drafted by the Montreal Expos in 1995. I feel like that

is where he found out about the wonderful world of performance

enhancing drugs. In fact, I believe his name was one of the names

blacked out on Jason Grimsley's affidavit. I'm putting the dots out

there for everyone to see. All you need to do is connect them.

Have you ever watched a Patriots game on TV? All you hear about all

day long is how great Brady is; apparently they also feel the need to

tell us how awful his supporting cast is. I feel for those receivers

and offense linemen and I hurt with each hit a tight end or running

back takes. People forget that Brady was taken really, really,

ridiculously late in the 2000 draft. They also forget that Brady spent

a season doodling on white boards and revving up the practice squad.

Mr. Wonderful was not always so wonderful. And yes, his team may lack

some of the star names in the NFL, but his teammates are still making

blocks to give him time to throw the ball, making catches, running for

yards after the catch, and running the ball to keep his arm from

falling off.

You can say it's the system and you can say he's always had that

special something. I say Tom has gotten help from outside sources. I'm

not saying it's just the steroids because I think he may have

purchased contacts. He may even wear two sets at the same time because

he seems to see things that other players do not. I also think he has

inside information. People have claimed the Bush administration has

been a little too secretive for our own good. I believe it's because

they're passing information on to Mr. Brady that no one else can see.

Why else would President Bush invite Brady to the White House? I don't

trust that it's for winning the Super Bowl. I know what's going on.

Brady is actually there collecting secret defensive plans and videos

so he knows exactly what he will be facing in the upcoming week.

So the ruse is over and it's time to come clean Tom. This will save

you a lot of embarrassment down the road.

The worst thing though, is that we as Americans are being duped into a

false sense of love for Tom Brady. We need to turn off SportsCenter,

we need to change the channel when Visa commercials are on, and we

need to tear down the billboards of this so-called "hero." It's time

to find a new hero.

Speaking of which, I hear that Shawn Merriman is trying to avoid

suspension. Anyone want to lend him some free help on his appeal?

*Disclaimer: There is NO proof that Tom Brady has ever used a banned

substance, I'm just sick of hearing about him. Perhaps Tom Brady is

himself a drug released upon the rest of you to make you feel all warm

and tingly inside. It doesn't work on me though, I'm too hardcore.