steroids bad

Steroids = Bad

So the Mitchell report came out, and it names a whole assload of

players who took/purchased steroids - I know, I couldn't believe it

either. Who would dare cheat the pure game of baseball, with its proud

tradition of nobody cheating ever and no stories told with a chuckle

of people cheating. Such pure wholesomeness must be protected and

preserved at all costs. Tradition means everything.

Seriously, this report isn't really all that big of a deal. I mean, no

shit a whole bunch of players were/are taking steroids. Hey baseball,

you mean there's something out there that will help people make

millions of dollars, you don't bother to test for it or even say it's

against your league rules, and a bunch of people took it? Get right

out of town. Baseball should really just shut up and try to let this

story go away instead of pushing it out to the forefront. Bud Selig

used to be known as an idiot because of contraction and the tie in the

All-Star game, now his legacy is just going to get worse.

This report probably didn't even get a third of the players taking

them, it names a total of 86 players. I'm no legal expert, but I'm

guessing there have been a whole hell of a lot more players on the

sweet, sweet Roids than that. I haven't read the damn thing because

it's 400 pages and half of it is "steroids are bad." But here's the

list of players mentioned, broken out in arbitrary categories assigned

by me.

I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THESE GUYS (15):

Tim Laker

Mark Carreon

Cody McKay

Adam Riggs

Bart Miadich

Mike Bell (not the football player. I checked)

Gary Bennett

Jeff Williams

Howie Clark

Mike Judd

Ricky Stone

Ryan Jorgensen

Steve Woodard

Todd Williams

Stephen Randolph

GUYS WHO WERE PROBABLY USING A PLACEBO INSTEAD BECAUSE THEY SUCKED

(32):

Dan Naulty

Armando Rios

Marvin Benard

Bobby Estallela

Jeremy Giambi

Randy Velarde

Larry Bigbie

Josias Manzanillo

Matt Franco

Jason Grimsley

Gregg Zaun

FP Santangelo

Ron Villone

Chris Donnels

Todd Pratt

Mike Lansing

Kevin Young

Kent Mercker

Phil Hiatt

Adam Piatt

Jason Christiansen

Matt Herges

Jim Parque

Chad Allen (Go Twins!)

Brendan Donnally (He once humped some groupie on a balcony of the

house he was sharing with several other minor league teammates and

ended up with crabs. True Story)

Nook Logan

Paxton Crawford

Darren Holmes

John Rocker (I'm shocked)

Jerry Hairston, Jr.

Ricky Bones

David Bell

GUYS WHO WE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT (8):

Barry Bonds

Jason Giambi

Gary Sheffield

David Segui

Ryan Franklin

Rafael Palmeiro

Ken Caminiti

Jose Canseco

GUY WHO TOOK STEROIDS AS PRESCRIBED BY A DOCTOR FOR A MEDICAL

CONDITION (1):

Paul Byrd

The players in the above lists I would have to label "Who Cares?" as a

group. They either are insignificant, or we already knew about it.

That covers 56 out of the 86 players in the report. The remaining 30 I

would say are somewhat more significant, and can be broken out into

three categories:

NOT AT ALL SURPRISING (5):

Brian Roberts

Rondell White

Roger Clemens

Eric Gagne

Gary Matthews, Jr.

SOMEWHAT SIGNIFICANT (18):

Benito Santiago (no wonder he played for 40 years)

Lenny Dykstra (although I'm guessing he'd put about anything in his

body)

Jack Cust

Todd Hundley

Hal Morris

Chuck Knoblauch (really?)

Glenallen Hill

Denny Neagle (Go Gophers!)

Mike Stanton

Paul LoDuca

Fernando Vina

Derrick Turnbow

Jay Gibbons

Scott Schoenweis

Ismael Valdez

Rick Ankiel (how's that feelgood story now?)

Jose Guillen

Wally Joyner

That leaves 7 guys in the entire report who actually matter. 7. On the

whole thing. That everyone is freaking out about. 7.

Andy Pettitte

David Justice

Mo Vaughn

Miguel Tejada

Kevin Brown

Troy Glaus

Matt Williams

Only three of these guys are even still playing. And they're old. No

A-Rod. No Pujols. No Vlad. No Santana. No Peavy. No Ryan Howard. No

Josh Becktt. So what's the big deal? Talk about anti-climactic.

If anything, this report is a boost to guys like Bonds, Clemens,

McGwire and Sosa (where are those two on the list, by the way?)

because of how many players took the juice and still sucked ass. If

you want to call baseball a joke, do it for this ridiculous report or

for the fact that David Eckstein got $4.5 mil for one year, not

because of steroids.